“Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others, because the world outside you is only a reflection of the world inside you.”
It was somewhere around eight o’clock on a Monday night in December. I was alone, as my boys were with their dad for the night. I was in my bedroom and I remember looking up at my walls. I had vinyl slogans about love and faith tastefully hung on the wall. There were butterflies and angels neatly arranged on my shelves next to cheerful family photos; all this decoration was an effort to bolster the ambiance of the room. I had even recently painted the room, changed the curtains and purchased new bedding, but none of those changes and updates really helped. The pain lingered, it simply would not go away. It was a searing pain, deep inside my upper stomach area. I’ve experienced something similar to this pain once or twice before, but never quite this pronounced. This is the kind of pain that is hard to forget; it’s the pain of grief and heartache.
It was this very night that I fell to my knees and begged for help. I surrendered and I gave over my problems to something far more powerful than I. Before tonight, I had tried to move away from the pain by staying busy, going out with friends, watching TV, reading books, checking social media, burying myself in work or the kids stuff, but nothing could distract me that night. The pain was calling me, I had to face it. I had to look at what I had done, I had to look at the truth. “Why can’t I just forget about him? I divorced him, it's over, he's moved on with someone else. Why can’t I just move on?” But this chatter in my head was fruitless. Nothing I told myself, nothing my girlfriends told me, nothing anyone told me helped. I chose this. I wanted the divorce. I didn’t want to be with Steve anymore, not as things were. I didn’t believe he would change, I didn’t believe he would make different choices for himself, never mind for me. I tried to convince myself I didn’t love him anymore during the seven months we’d been apart, but instead of not loving him, I realized just how deeply I truly did love him. I didn’t love his choices or his behaviors, but I loved the man, the person, the soul. I came back to the gut wrenching pain of grief in my body, and I fell to my knees, and that is when I prayed. “God, please help me, please help me move forward. Show me what to do, I’ll do whatever I need to, I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.” I remember for a moment I felt somewhat disconnected from my body, I felt a rush in the crown area of my head. I was sure I was making myself crazy or sick with this grief, but I thought for a moment, just maybe, my plea was heard. I crawled into bed, continuing my prayer for change, for something to free me from the sorrow and grief I was experiencing. I eventually faded off to sleep, knowing that tomorrow had to be better.
It was just a few days before Christmas, so when I woke the next day, I knew that I could distract myself. I was determined to be merry for my sons. They didn’t deserve this turmoil and certainly not the sadness I was carrying around in my heart; if not for me, I would change things for them. I just didn't know how. I kept busy, but my thoughts kept going back to Steve, back to everything that happened during the past year. I kept obsessing over how he moved on from me so quickly, that he didn't even mourn me, that he replaced me. I was so angry, I really wanted to hate him, but hating him was impossible. I couldn't call my family, they didn’t want to hear my sad stories anymore. I couldn't keep bothering my friends, I mean, it has been months since we separated, I’m sure they were beyond sick of me. Yes, there were other men I could go out with, but truth be told, I simply was not ready. My heart was so closed, no one had a chance of getting close to me. No one. So In a moment of desperation, I called her. I called the psychic Tarot Reader who would change the trajectory of my life forever.
I met this Tarot reader six months prior when my neighbor hosted a psychic party at her house. My friend asked me to come and I figured, “why not? I had nothing else to do.” I was definitely skeptical about the psychic’s abilities before I met her. I had gotten really involved in the spiritual world during the previous three years, and I had some pretty powerful, spiritually “connected” psychic friends in my life already; I guess I was somewhat of a psychic snob. This woman, however, turned out to be amazing. She was a no frills, straight shooting kind of Psychic Tarot Reader. She didn’t fill my head with lots of nonsense that she thought I wanted to hear, she told me the truth as she received it; it was spot on, and it wasn’t always bubblegum and lollipops. From my previous experience with her, I knew that I could trust her advice, but during this tumultuous time in my life, I was really trying to avoid calling or talking to any “connected people”. I felt like I needed to do this on my own. And truth be told, I knew I had the tendency to attach to and listen to what “other” people told me to do, and one too many times, I made decisions and choices based on advice I received from others, that I later regretted. This time, I needed to know for sure that what I was doing was what I really wanted. I needed to be sure that I left Steve on my own accord and that the divorce was my choice, no one else's. Truth be told, I was so tired of trying to “see the future”, but now, I was desperate. I needed someone to talk to; I simply could not be alone with my thoughts. So I made the appointment and waited for the call.
It was later that evening that she finally called me. I quickly blurted out the story of my sorrow and grief. I told her that no matter what I did, I couldn’t let this go. I couldn’t move on. I was so hurt, and so angry, I felt rejected and victimized by this whole situation. I desperately wanted to just hate him and to forget him. It would be so much easier than feeling what I felt. I don’t remember all the details of our conversation, but I do remember this. She calmly and clearly said to me, “You need to send him love. You need to heal him.” I was very taken aback by this statement. Me? Send him healing and love? I thought about it for a moment and determined that I could probably send him love, but healing? How on earth was that going to happen? I mean, I'd been the recipient of energy healing, and I strongly believed in the power and effectiveness of various modalities of energy work, but I was not a healer, was I? I didn’t have any special powers that I knew of. How could I do what she was asking me to do? My psychic friend replied, “You already know how to, you’ve just forgotten.” Okay, well that got my attention. She went on to say that I was once a healer in another time, and was being called to remember, and in remembering, I could free myself from this sorrow. For some people, this may have sounded ludicrous. I was an educator and a business woman, not a healer, but truth be told, so many crazy things had happened to me during the past couple of years, that at this point, nothing surprised me. I had prayed for a solution and she offered me one. I had to try because what I was currently doing was not working at all.
It was the day before Christmas, traditionally my favorite holiday, but this year I was dreading it. I had to pretend to be joyful, but all I felt was emptiness. I was surrounded by family, but I felt completely alone. I tried not to talk too much about what had happened between Steve and me, but I couldn’t help it. If anyone asked, I told them my story of woe. I told them how he broke my heart and how he did me wrong. Why did I feel even worse after this? I stayed with my parents that night, along with my sisters and their children. I wanted my boys to wake up to a house full of joy and happiness, and I simply could not face that night alone. Christmas morning was as joyful as I could allow it to be, but I knew my diversion would soon end. I had to drop my kids off to their dad’s later that morning. I did have another family party to attend Christmas day, but honestly, It was more of the same, surface talk accompanied by some “woe is me” and blame. I couldn’t get out of my own way. By late afternoon I had enough. I just wanted to be alone, so instead of distracting myself any further, I went home to my empty house that once bustled with four children, my husband and a dog. I remember standing alone, looking out my kitchen window. He was only a mile away, just across the lake. Sometimes I thought I could see his new house. I wondered if he was looking out his window, hoping to see me too. I knew he wouldn't be alone that night, he couldn't be alone. I understood. I didn't really want to be alone either, but I was just so closed down, I simply couldn’t truly allow anyone in. I lay down in my bed and prayed for change, I prayed for the courage to move forward and to let go of the hopes and dreams I once had for my new family. I prayed to release the thoughts that kept me in suffering, and I remember asking my grandfather Arthur’s spirit to stay with me until I was strong again, and I drifted off to sleep.
I woke the next morning determined to change. I didn't want to feel this pain inside me anymore, and if sending Steve love and healing would allow me to let him go and move on, I would do it. I did some reading about Reiki, distance energy healing, and how to visualize someone during the healing process. I also then respectfully asked the Reiki lineage and anyone “up there” for permission to perform this type of healing and, if “they” could hear me, to please show me how to move forward, to please show me how to heal Steve so that I could be free. I then firmly set the intention to send Steve love and healing, and in my new healing journal where it was suggested that I log my experiences, I wrote the following:
“I'm starting over today. I am going to put Steve behind me. I have to get over the hurt. I have to get over the feeling of betrayal. I have to be okay with the life that he has chosen for himself. I have to be okay with this. I have to get over my ego. I have to heal whatever part of me that is holding on to the pain. I need some direction, I need to be guided to the answer. I am a beautiful, incredible woman. I have so much to offer - I'm so loving, kind, smart, and driven. Why am I holding on to this? Please guide me to the answers so I can let it go now. I'm asking you, God and the Angels - please reveal the answers very clearly to me and show me how to gently release this. I don't want to feel physical pain anymore. I don't want to feel rejection. I don't want to feel lonely. I'm open God, my heart is wide open and ready for you. My heart is beautiful and I want the ultimate connection with love. I'm ready.”
I continued with, “This is my first real attempt at healing another human being, I will do my best because I love Steve, I will always have love for him. I will do my best to heal him and in turn, he will help me heal.”
What followed was nothing short of miraculous. As I lay in my bed, with my hands cupped around a small “steve” figurine that I created for visualization, I began to “see”. I actually started seeing Steve and his life. I was truly connected to his energy, and I saw a fascinating story that played like a movie before my eyes. I didn't really understand everything I was experiencing at the time, but I wrote every bit of it down. This was my first encounter witnessing another person's Higher Self, and the first time I ever consciously recall receiving channeled messages for someone. This was the instance of the miracle that has since completely changed my world. This was the moment that sparked an amazing new chapter of my life, that in a million years, I never anticipated experiencing.
This is my story, and I’m compelled to pass on what I have learned, as my hope is that in sharing my story, you’ll awaken to your own inner wisdom. By most accounts, prior to this miracle, I lived a fairly “normal” life. I’ve experienced success and failure, love and heartache, and like most people, more often than not, I chose some degree of suffering instead of choosing to experience joy. Admittedly, I’ve taken the long and arduous road one too many times instead of the pathway of peace. However, it is because of my rocky road that I know I can help you. Infact, I believe it is my true life purpose to do so.
I believe that seeking the light, the beauty, the love, in the midst of our everyday “ordinary” lives, is a choice we can make, each and every day. These are the lessons and guidance I hope to pass on to you.
From my experience with heartache, suffering and disappointment, I can now share how I learned to let it go and move beyond the pain. From my failed relationships and subsequent awakening, I can now offer you guidance about how to create peaceful resolutions within your relationships, even if they appear to be on their last legs. Because of my understanding that without self love, no wound will ever truly heal, I can demonstrate the changes I made and the energetic shifts I experienced to finally understand what self love looks like and how it can change you in ways you can’t even imagine. I now understand that there is complete perfection in my and your imperfections, and that forgiveness of yourself and others is possible.
In sharing my story and the lessons I’ve learned along the way, I hope to help you awaken within your story and reclaim your personal power, as none of us are really victims, but in fact, we are so much more powerful than we often realize. In healing your own heart, you will not only feel relief, but you will see everything around you shift as well. In sharing my story, I want to offer you empathy and understanding, while demonstrating ways to move away from the emotions and patterns that keep you stuck. Most importantly, I am here to show you that miracles can and do happen, and that living a life that is far more joyful than sorrowful is a real possibility.
Through my struggles I emerged into the light, where I am meant to stay and reflect that light onto you; to act as a beacon of hope and joy for any who find their way to me. I won’t lie or sugar coat anything; this path is not the easy one, but it is most certainly the most rewarding. I personally have to work at staying in the light on a daily basis. Some days are far easier than others, but even on the days when it is not so easy, there is something that always keeps me coming back.
Let's get real, let’s remove the veils of fear and judgement, and move forward together. I invite you to join me as I recount my story of sorrow, faith, and miracles. There are Universal truths that I witness coursing through the fabric of humanity and you deserve to see them too. I want you to leave this experience a changed human being for having connected with my truth, with my heartache, with my sorrow, and with my ultimate surrender to the Universe. That is my prayer for you.
“If you found me, there are messages waiting for you...No one finds me by mistake.”
This above excerpt is from a book I am writing. I have one chapter completed, and the rest, well, those chapters are still happening. Someday I will complete this story, and when I do, I hope you will read it in it’s entirety.
Also, to continue my present day story, I wanted to share where I am now on this amazing healing journey. Within seven days of my first attempt at distance energy healing, not only had my husband “felt” something, but real changes were taking place.
Against all odds, within a month's time, we reconciled. Reconciliation was never my intent, only sending unconditional love and healing was, but clearly, the Universe had other plans for us!
Today, we remain married, deeply in love, and the proud parents of a beautiful baby girl. We continue tirelessly on our journey of becoming better partners, friends, parents and lovers. A relationship like ours is filled with trials and challenges, but we now understand each other and the purpose of our relationship on a completely new plane. Our goal is to be equal in all that we do. Our desire is to truly become authentic life partners, not judging or resenting, but accepting and loving one another unconditionally. These are tall orders for human beings, but we are walking, running, skipping and occasionally falling flat on our face down our path together.
